I haven't posted in a looong time, mainly because I have lots of things to do, and blogging is sort of masturbatory, in my opinion. However, here I am. Again. But this time I'm not going to post about academic life, how burned out I already am, even though the term just began, and how much of a rut I am in. Nope- today it is horses. Although my rut will probably make an appearance- it is a tenacious little bastard.

So, I have a fabulous new horse. I lost my wonderful baby horse last year to colic, and ended up getting Steve from Argentina. It's a long story, and since I am the only one that reads this AND I already know the story, I'll skip it.

Continuing my self-conversation, what I want to do is type out my feelings on my showing plans for this year with Steve. I have a goal to qualify for the NAL Adult Amateur Jumpers- I know Steve can do it, but I have extreme doubts about my own abilities. This ties into the rest of my life, and I struggle with how to manage these holes I dig for myself. Hmmm. Well, with riding I'm really enjoying it, with my career I am not. I dig a hole, get stuck, and then get mad at myself for being stuck. And then I play Solitaire for a while. In riding, I feel directionless and incompetent some days, and if I listen to that voice, it multiplies. Losing my young horse only exacerbated all of it.

The upshot is that I don't feel capable- the money to show is somewhat of a problem, the motivation to research and write is a huge problem, my house is dirty, my dogs are loud, annoying, and occasionally violent to each other, and my husband has an intention tremor that is spreading. <--- Many of my anxieties and fears, all rolled into one ball of suck! The dogs I can handle, but they make everything else worse.

See? At this point I can't even keep my problems organized- there they all are, of varying importance and depth and content and they all seem insurmountable. Am I depressed? Who the fuck knows- not me, and I won't because when I step back from all of this all I feel is silly for being so upset. Well, the tremor thing is HUGE, but everything else- grow the fuck up! Get the fuck over it!

Right? Sigh. This didn't go at all like I planned. I can't even blog right! Dag!